Snart is an ass
by butimnotdeadyet
Summary: In which Leonard takes Sara's spot on a mission and Sara is grumpy about it until she finds something else to entertain herself. Language and sexy things. Not shippy.
**Disclaimer: : Still don't own it. Dammit, though, 'cause if I did, stuff like this would happen all the time.**

Three hours _\- three fucking hours-_ was how long they had been sitting there along the fence line with their faces pressed against the eyepieces of the heavy, x-ray equipped binoculars while trying to keep track of Leonard and Rip as they familiarized themselves with the partygoers throughout the mansion. Kendra was being a good sport, suggesting an hour in that they take turns instead both watching at once, but Sara was at her wits end. Not only did _Snart_ take take her place on the insurgency _that she had planned_ , (" _Sorry, Lance. Side mission." "Rip specifically said 'no grand larceny'." "Well, then I guess I'll have to improvise." He had winked at her. Taken her job and winked at her. He would have to die. Soon.)_ but he had taken it upon himself to leave his comms open during dinner- a dinner that _she_ had been excited about- and spent his time in between schmoozing the other guest to compliment the superb roast duck ( _her roast duck)_ and the "absolutely wonderful" _seven layer_ chocolate trifle that was served for dessert. She was livid, literally mumbling about different ways she could kill him by shock-mutilation alone under her breath before Kendra told her that she would take over for now.

Several minutes later both women heard the distinct _tick_ of someone's comms piece being muted from their end, receiving but not broadcasting. The pair by the fence glanced at each other before scrambling; Sara turning around quickly and trying to refocus the lenses she had been using to spy on a couple of particularly, hmm, active neighbors while narrating their moves and Kendra to relocate Rip who had disappeared into one of the rear rooms earlier. Seconds passed in silence both skimming for one of their shipmates until Kendra sighed, finally settling her sights on Hunter's shoulders in study of the homeowner- digging through draws and cabinets, no doubt trying to find the info they were trying to acquire.

"I've got Rip, but I can't tell if it was his that went out. He doesn't seem to think that anything is up."

Sara nodded slightly, not wanting to disrupt her scanning pattern. "I still can't find Snart, may a goon decided that annoying men who take other people's jobs should be punched, repeatedly, until loss of consciousness." She heard Kendra scoff beside her. "What? I can hope."

Sara could make out the sound of shifting feet and wasn't startled when an elbow softly jabbed at her side. "Not when they are undercover in a house so secure that we couldn't even bug it before running in blind." Kendra's tone had shifted from mildly concerned to truly worried in the minute that they had been looking, so she relented the argument. Though, perhaps a little too soon, because with the next adjustment of her binoculars, Sara located their in-house crook.

"The ass is fine, talking it up with some guy in a dark blue . . . looks like corduroy, maybe, suit coat. Kinda looks like the owner." She steadied the binoculars with one hand long enough to reach back with the other and press the sensor in her own comms piece. "Rip, Snart, one or both of your mics went down, signal or test please, boys." Lenses back up and on their perspective marks, the women waited. Rip paused in his search, looking up with a notable glower before tapping his own ear and say thing all was well and that he would be returning to his task, "hopefully without continued interruption." _Ass number two is fine, too_. But it made her curious as to what 'interruption' he had been experiencing, seeing that she and Kendra had been of comms for almost the entire time after the men had entered.

Turning her attention to Snart, she prompted him for a response again. This time he turned slightly, enough for her to notice but nondescript enough for his talkative partner to write if off as a weight shift, gesturing loosely with the hand holding a champagne flute, his middle finger projecting off the glass stem. A silent but rude confirmation that he had heard and was well aware of his mic's status. _Bastard probably turned it off himself. Just to piss me off._

Sara grumbled. "They're both fine. The asshole will turn his comms back on when he realizes that he have to talk him through the exit plan." She turned back around, disappointed to see that her previous distracts had 'finished' what they had started in the house next door, and settled on trying to see if she could make out any interesting happenings in the forest around them. Kendra gave an update every once in awhile and said that they'd switch off on the hour, which Sara agreed to, and the overwatch continued.

"Okay, Rip looks like he just ate a mud pie, so I'm guessing the office was a bust. He's walking back down to the main hall now. And . . ." she paused skimming the rooms for Leonard before continuing, "It looks like Snart is walking out to the wine tasting by the pool." Kendra, comfortable with the status' of their counterparts, settled against the fence next to the blonde.

"Good, maybe a drunk will push him in."

"Let it go, Sara. He wanted to get out of the ship for a while _and_ he swore that he'd back off whatever mission you want to take next time."

"He ate my duck. That is unforgivable. Ooh, I found an owl."

"Okay, Rip's talking to a man that looks suspiciously like a miniaturized and better dressed Hagrid. Really, like, he could just trim his beard for a fancy party. I bet some of your precious roast duck is still hiding in there somewhere."

"Shhh, that doesn't matter. I found mouse and I think the owl did, too. He's gonna eat it."

Kendra grimaced behind the binoculars as she once again scanned for the taller man amongst the crowds of the party.

"Why does that excite you? I mean, I get the natural order and all, but come on- OH!" Kendra stopped short and the 'bird-brain' comment that Sara was already prepared to throw back died on her tongue when she heard the chock in her friends svoice.

"What, did my prophetic nature strike again? Do we get to drive back with a soaking went thief in the back seat?" Had Kendra not been thoroughly ensnared by the scene before her, she would have scowled at Sara's giddy tone, but as it stands, her eyes are peeled to the lenses.

"No, and it sure as hell isn't wine he's tasting," she whispered in a tone that left no question as to the implications.

Sara's eyes widened and her hand shot out to grab Kenda's already focused binoculars, but the latter swatted her away impatiently, adjusting the dials for more accuracy and telling Sara to look by the the rock outcrop by the pool house. With unbelievable speed, the blonde located and moved to focus on the area in question, almost dropping the device in her hand when the image came in clear.

Leonard Snart and the man from before; shoved against the rocks and making out as if their lives depended on it.

"Shit! How long have they been doing that?" Sara half shouted at her partner.

"Not long. Snart pushed Blue Coat against the wall right as I saw him. Oh, god, I was not expecting that." But Sara could tell from her breathing that it wasn't wholly unappreciated. She smirked and dialed in even closer. Though she had never considered it, Snart seemed to be quite adept at, well, the things he was doing.

It was dark where the pair was standing, but if Sara remembered correctly the man in blue (though his identifying jacket was now discarded on the ground behind him) was handsome- dark haired with a possible hint of a middle eastern complexion and too young to be the man that posed in the portraits around the house, but could easily one of his sons. Here, though, she could only make out a few limbs and roughly a quarter of his face, everything else was Leonard. _And, damn, was he enjoying himself._

They were almost the same size, but Blue seemed decisively unconcerned by the fact that Leonard was now taking up more of his personal space than he was. The crook had his left hand, on the far side from Sara's perspective, cupping the man by his neck and the base of his skull, while the right was pressed firmly against Blue's side, holding him in place against the rocks. Blue, in turn, had one arm hooked around Snart's waist and back. The other was hidden from her by their bodies, but, judging by Blue's movements, she would have guessed it was skimming its way between the gaps in the buttons of Leonard's dress shirt and up his chest.

A few seconds later, Snarts head dropped off to the right and Sara could see his jaw moving, working on the skin below his companion's ear. The man, face now exposed and flushed, tilted his head to relinquish more surface area to _whatever_ the crook was doing there. Sara watched as Leonard thanked him by inserting a slim leg between the other's knees, working it in, slowly, until she could tell that Snart's hip rested directly against the man's abdomen and everything else below was inline. Blue's eyes slammed shut as Leonard pressed upward.

Sara could hear Kendra mumble something along the lines of going back to look if there was any food in the car they had driven over in, obviously feeling that they were invading. But Sara didn't really care. She was far more distracted by the fact that the crook's _new_ _friend_ had managed to force the former's jacket off his shoulders and untuck his shirt in a matter of seconds, now exploring his back and sides uninhibited. And Leonard apparently appreciated it- if his renewed attack of the other man's lips wasn't any indication, the hand moving from Blue's side to the small of his back certainly was. Especially when it continued down, into what Sara could only imagine was real estate lower than the man's somehow recently unfastened belt, Snart's leg never ceasing its grind against his partner.

Then, Snart pulled back, his mouth, arms, and leg retreating at once, slowly, but much to the dismay of his partner, who wrapped an arm around the taller man's neck in an attempt to bring him closer again. Sara sighed almost in time with Blue, disappointed, both believing their fun to over when Leonard stepped slightly to the side, leaning his shoulder against the rock and left arm looping back around Blue's waist- unknowingly giving his audience not only an eyeful of his own opened shirtfront but also the bulging crotch of his companion's suit pants- before letting the hand that he had pressed into Blue's chest to signal the halt their onslaught slide lower, accompanied by a whisper of words in what Sara could tell was a very appropriate-for-their-situation tone.

Neither his hand or his sentence ran their course before Blue had turned to roughly seal his lips to Leonard's again and pull back again to voice a definitive 'yes' to whatever the crook implored. Snart let out a wicked grin, mirrored slightly more conservatively by his partner, before nodding forward in a 'lead the way' gesture. Blue obliged, dropping to grab his jacket off the ground before moving towards the pool house Kendra had pointed out earlier and glancing back after a number of strides as if worried that his acquaintance wouldn't follow.

Snart waved him on, gathering his own coat with a skillful, upward flick of his foot and catching it by a finger before flinging it over his shoulder. Just as Sara was about to lower the binoculars in defeat, he raised a hand to ear, turning the comms piece back on with a quick tap. "Don't wait up, Lance." Even though well over a hundred yards of brush, trees, and scraggly hillside were between them, he settled her with a knowing glance, not wasting a moment before hand to skim through all of the debris to find her perch. _The asshole had known she was watching the entire time._

Just as she was about to voice her current opinion of him, a subtle flick of his fingers told her that the earpiece was now somewhere on the ground behind him, worthless. Leonard smirked before turning to make his way to the pool house rendezvous, making a slight show re-buttoning a few holes on his shirt out of false modesty at having an audience.

It wasn't until that night when Rip, Kendra, and Sara had made their way back to the Waverider that the realization hit her:

 _Leonard Snart had used her carefully constructed reconnaissance mission to get laid._

 **A/N:**

 **Rip's "interruptions": Leonard flirting excessively with everyone, including Rip, because Rip told him that the only reason he was coming was to be a distraction.**

 **I sat down with the intention of writing new chapters of other fics, but this happened instead.**

 **Reviews are welcome and appreciated!**


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